# Grand Theft Auto 3 Radio quote generator # Marc Majcher 2002 # Based on zim.irc by Brandon Harris # Modified from zippy.irc, originally converted to irc II format by # burrito!burrito@ludd.luth.se echo *** loading, GTA3 Radio Responder: /gta alias gta msg $0 $GTA[$rand(143)] eval $srand($time()) on -public "* * gta*" { @ lazlow = [$GTA[$rand(143)]] eval quote privmsg $1 :$lazlow wait -cmd eval echo > $lazlow } on -msg "* gta*" { @ lazlow = [$GTA[$rand(143)]] eval quote privmsg $0 :$lazlow wait -cmd eval echo -> *$0* $lazlow } /alias gta-off { echo $out.pre GTA Radio is off on -public "* * gta*" { } } /alias gta-on { echo $out.pre GTA Radio is on on -public "* * gta*" { @ lazlow = [$GTA[$rand(143)]] eval quote privmsg $1 :$lazlow wait -cmd eval echo > $lazlow } } assign GTA[0] Hey, ya ever ate possum? That's some good eating. assign GTA[1] Pigeons are good, too. Sometimes, they come with notes attached... it's like a fortune cookie with wings. assign GTA[2] I love commercials, don't you? assign GTA[3] Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John. Or Beverly, whatever your name is. assign GTA[4] I been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget fighting bitch for the last two years. And it is im-possible. Im-possible, I tell ya. assign GTA[5] My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says 'Mummy, mummy, where's the reset button?.' assign GTA[6] I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around the house looking for gold coins. assign GTA[7] *beeeeep* I love that button. assign GTA[8] You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if you're in our key demographic. assign GTA[9] Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest entertainment together. assign GTA[10] SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK! assign GTA[11] I mean, that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and they end with your voice going up like this... assign GTA[12] And toothpaste, they use it to control us. Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a day? I..I've read books! assign GTA[13] If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again! assign GTA[14] I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. assign GTA[15] LIBERTY CITY COCKS RUUULE!!! assign GTA[16] That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are made from sand. assign GTA[17] That's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And stuff. assign GTA[18] Guns don't kill people, death kills people. Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact. assign GTA[19] You can't die from a bullet. You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. assign GTA[20] Countries that don't have guns ain't American! assign GTA[21] When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow. assign GTA[22] When, when, when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I...I would get spanked. N...nanny...nanny would spank me...when I was naughty, and now...now Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to get spanked. assign GTA[23] I's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny. He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty boy. assign GTA[24] Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and Cosine are two of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity! assign GTA[25] I mean, the Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find invigorating and even sexy. assign GTA[26] Remember, it's not a conflict of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. assign GTA[27] It is an honor to be here, I feel blessed. assign GTA[28] For my people, marriage is...how you say...sacred. The bond between the father and the mother...it is made in heaven. And, in the bedroom...if you know what I mean. assign GTA[29] It is impossible...you change diapers and then you are a French maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not. assign GTA[30] Tell me how and I give you... a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman. assign GTA[31] Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you? assign GTA[32] If a man was born an angel, maybe it possible, but a man... is born... a man. assign GTA[33] Hey, you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the office furniture, and the ay-caramba, my friend. assign GTA[34] It is a miracle, Lazlow A miracle. A man is a good father, a loving husband, the winner of the bread, six and a half days a week. On the spare half day, I save his life. assign GTA[35] In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved. assign GTA[36] He saved my marriage...and I married a bus of a woman! Now I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes! assign GTA[37] He come in, he is like a broken man. But a half a man... a 'ma', if you will. assign GTA[38] A beautiful union by a...an adulterer and queen Kong! That's great. assign GTA[39] That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, sénor, not pimping! assign GTA[40] Who are your people anyway? Which exotic location do you come from? assign GTA[41] I am...I am Latin. assign GTA[42] Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!! assign GTA[43] I'm not real Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. assign GTA[44] Listen...wives, children...if your husband, if your daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for a few hours a week...I give you the world!!! assign GTA[45] Get off! Get lost! You're just a cheap pimp from up-state! Get out of my studio!!! assign GTA[46] I save your daddy....I save your husband...it is a miracle.....!!! assign GTA[47] It is a miracle!!! assign GTA[48] Hello. My name is Donald Love. You're listening to a Love Media station. Enjoy. assign GTA[49] My daddy used to whoop tar out of me. He once hit me so hard my spleen fell out of my ear. assign GTA[50] What are you talking about? Man, I'm starting to believe that guy about the fluoride in the drinking water! assign GTA[51] Listen, if there's any sane person left in Liberty City that can hear my voice, please, call the show right now! assign GTA[52] Did you know that the current migration north continues, we will all be dead in 3 years?!? Do you want to become a bee's supper?!? I don't! assign GTA[53] But the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't kill them! They are like sheep, they are going to take over!! assign GTA[54] Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's plaguing you? Call now! assign GTA[55] I am the President of a group called Citizens Raging Against Phones. assign GTA[56] Citizens are raging against phones, Lazlow!! assign GTA[57] It's hard organizing meetings without the phones though. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons, and they keep disappearing. assign GTA[68] You're perpetuating the downfall of mankind! Liberty City was great before phones ruined everything. assign GTA[59] Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and 3 houses when the telephone was invented! assign GTA[60] What are you, three years old?!? assign GTA[61] Nanny nanny boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo! assign GTA[62] Okay, now this is a radio-show, we don't have viewers...we have listeners. assign GTA[63] I just wanted to make your viewers aware the first international puppetry festival is next month at the fairgrounds, bro. assign GTA[64] Have you been living under a rock bro? Guys with puppets get chicks! assign GTA[65] I take my monkey puppet to the park all the time, we play hackey-sack together, it's rad! assign GTA[66] Alright Liberty City, you are listening to Chatterbox, the show that is the number one reason for the success of the internet. assign GTA[67] Does a lion wear clothes? And the lion is the king of the jungle! So why can't I, a humble citizen, go naked? assign GTA[68] I guess what we're learning is that life can be a little unfair at times. assign GTA[69] I'm naked, Lazlow!! I'm naked!! assign GTA[70] I was born naked, I'm gonna die naked! I'm going to live naked! assign GTA[71] It's so invigorating feeling the hot leather of a chair, or the cool wind from the north on your naked body. assign GTA[72] Don't you believe in free speech...and free expression? No, of course you don't...all you believe in is free drinks! assign GTA[73] I'm naked and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! I'm naked and I feel sooo good! assign GTA[74] What about winter?! When the wind blows, and it's really cold...I mean...do you prance about like a ninny waiting for your privates to go blue? assign GTA[75] I was born naked and I'm gonna die naked!! assign GTA[76] "Winter was invented by clothing companies! Clothes are unnecessary. They're ugly! Have you ever cooked in the nude?? assign GTA[77] Nudity is real! Open your eyes! Take off your pants, come on!! assign GTA[78] Alright dude, groovy, hug a rainbow. assign GTA[79] With newspapers, radio stations and television across the US and the free world, alongside a wide array of industrial and technology interests, we at Love Media ensure you get the truth behind the story, every time. assign GTA[80] From films to dog food, from radio to pop music, you can be sure of independent, quality led broadcasting every time you tune it. assign GTA[81] Here at Love Media, we are proud of what we have done to help America, and to help hard-working Americans relax. assign GTA[82] Ooh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. assign GTA[83] Guns, people showing disrespect to teachers, drugs...schools are breeding grounds for crime, ain't they? assign GTA[84] I got a reeeal simple solution! Shut 'em down. Shut down the schools and you shut down the problem. No more dead teachers, no more angry students. assign GTA[85] Exploitation!? Man, you bleeding hearts kill me! Johnny's mine, he's my kid, how can I exploit something I own? assign GTA[86] Exploitation, you sound like a communist! Kids in Russia, they don't work...that's why everything's so messed up over there! assign GTA[87] He's my kid, I'm telling ya, just shut the schools down, make the kids work! That book stuff's all for sissies anyway! assign GTA[88] I do feel sorry for your little Johnny the seven year old cook chimney-sweep paralegal photocopier because his daddy's an idiot! assign GTA[89] Hi Leslie, my name's Linda. I just love your show. I always listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated. assign GTA[90] I also like jazz, and cooking, and beastiality so the Internet is really good for my hobbies. assign GTA[91] I don't envy those kids with their stock options and their fast cars, they earned them! The Internet has saved my life! assign GTA[92] I know what you're all like! You know more about men than I know about leopard-skin furniture! assign GTA[93] You're listening to Chatterbox, where your opinion matters, or at least we say that. assign GTA[94] I want to tell you and your listeners about a once-in-a-lifetime chance to make a difference. There's a rally tomorrow evening at the park, starting at 7. assign GTA[95] Then, when tens-of-thousands have gathered in the park, we're gonna march onto Town Hall. Lazlow, the people have spoken! And they have said 'no, not in my town!' assign GTA[96] So folks, if you're listening, and want to make a difference, get yourself down to the park, and prepare to bring democracy back to the people. assign GTA[97] So...what's this rally about, Jeff? assign GTA[98] It's about people standing up and being counted. It's about the future. It's about telling those morons in the suits 'no thanks! Not in my town! Not while I have a breath in my body and hope in my soul! I will not, I cannot let this pass!' assign GTA[99] It's about grabbing the town by the balls and saying 'Listen son, you have to put up, or shut up! No more Mr. Nice-guy. No more easy solutions for difficult problems!' It's about what it means to be an American. It's about giving something back. assign GTA[100] You're helping America! What kind of patriot are you? It's a rally!! assign GTA[101] It's for hope. assign GTA[102] Right now I live at home, but pretty soon, like next week dude, I'm moving out. It's the big 4-0 and it's just time to go. assign GTA[103] I mean, it's kinda like putting ice cream on pizza, both are great but they really shouldn't be put together. assign GTA[104] Okay Lazlow, actually it is nothing like ice cream with pizza, ice cream is milk-based as we all know, and I am lactose intolerant, and pizza, as you may know as well is a sandwich derivative of Italian origin, but I won't go on. assign GTA[105] Lazlow, I'm deadly serious now. My mentor was a 430 year old monk, who showed me the way to enlightenment...through carrot juice. assign GTA[106] This is not a period, Lazlow!! This is the way of life! Thanks to a strict vegan diet, I have the power of nine men! assign GTA[107] After morning meditation and a three-bean salad, I could chop a bus in half! assign GTA[108] Sometimes...I even frighten myself! assign GTA[109] Lazlow, a closed mind is like a closed fist! And karate means 'open hand!' But it might as well mean 'open mind.' If you like wheat-grass, I think you will really like my book. assign GTA[110] Well, I'm not a masticating cow, but I really don't enjoy chewing damp hay, and prancing around in leggings shouting 'hi-ya!' assign GTA[111] Okay Lazlow, I'm warning you this time...do not make me angry! It's bad for my karma, and it will definitely be bad for your karma! assign GTA[112] Lazlow, this is your final warning...do not make me go into my...dragon stance!! assign GTA[113] Shut up you carnivore! Why don't you go gnaw on a bone like a gorilla, Lazlow! assign GTA[114] Okay, first things first, my man. You need to stop the negative thinking. And the best attack I've found is to just run away. That way you instill fear in your opponent. assign GTA[115] They never know when you might descend from the rafters...LIKE A BAT!!! assign GTA[116] You must use the language of the body, not the tongue! And the language of the body begins with raw, uncooked, organic vegetables. assign GTA[117] Just look at me, I could tear a phone-book in half with my bare toes! In fact, Lazlow, I could easily chop this desk into two half-desks!! assign GTA[118] Ladies and gentlemen, I have already visualized the desk in two half desks, and now, I shall make it so! assign GTA[119] Dragon stance! HHIII-YAA! OOOOOHW...OOW LAZLOW, OOH LAZLOW...I think I hurt my hand!! My...my pinky's all bent the wrong way! assign GTA[120] Ohh...I bruise easily, don't throw any tofus or bean curds at me! assign GTA[121] I might as well wear a satellite dish so they can beam their propaganda right into my brain! assign GTA[122] You realize that the government listens to this station and if they weren't paying particular attention to you before, they're probably gonna be following you now... assign GTA[123] FREE KEVIN! assign GTA[124] Alright, we're talking about short guys, killer bees, the magna carta... assign GTA[125] Hello. My name is Donald Love. You are listening to a Love Media Station. Enjoy. assign GTA[126] I tell ya', working here beats the hell outta digging sewage ditches outside Kuala Lampur. assign GTA[127] They all think they sound so smart with their little funny accents, I mean...I got something for 'em...SPEAK ENGLISH, YA LIMEY MORONS!! assign GTA[128] Man, Cherokee-shmerokee, man! assign GTA[129] Football, now that's an American sport! It teaches you good wholesome American values man, like, like stealing other peoples land by force, and wearing tight pants while you do it! assign GTA[130] I'm telling ya man, I only play man sports! Like football. And hopscotch. assign GTA[131] Now get me in a scrum and I'm dangerous. I'd take anybody down! I'm the hopscotch masta! I gots fly skills at hopscotch, you know what I'm saying? assign GTA[132] Let's go over here to the phones and see what's plaguing Liberty City. Hello caller, you're on the air! assign GTA[133] Did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a nanny because he's been a very naughty boy! assign GTA[134] These kids that thought they were going to be millionaires, look where the super-information-highway has gotten them! Nowhere! assign GTA[135] If more people would join the military this would be a better country! assign GTA[136] When I came back from the Australian-American war, I didn't get a heroes welcome! assign GTA[137] God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately son?? The Australian-American war the was the biggest war since the big one! assign GTA[138] I tell ya, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang shrapnel in my head to come back here, and have a bunch of hippies deny our history! assign GTA[139] Those Aussies are ruthless! They even wired kangaroos with explosives...come hopping in the camp and knock out ten guys! assign GTA[140] My name ain't important! It's real un-important, okay? assign GTA[141] My name is real un-important! If you wanna keep on being a wise-guy, you'll find out just how un-important....like...un-important I just got shot in the head un-important! Do I make myself clear? assign GTA[142] I need some advice. And I ain't doing any of that shrink shit! assign GTA[143] Toni? How'd you know my name was Toni?? You tracing this call? Cos if you are, you're gonna get real intimately acquainted with...what your brains look like!