November 04, 2003
Telemarketer Script #17

Hello, may I please speak to [your name here]

Yes, that's me. Who is this?

Good afternoon, Mr. Name. We'd like to offer you...

Oh, good, good. I'm glad you called. Look, is this call being recorded?

We sometimes record calls for quality assurance purposes, sir, but let me tell you about...

Good, good, good, this needs to be recorded somewhere safe, so they can't get to it. Your company doesn't work with the United States government, does it? Or the United Nations?

No, sir, we're a private company, and we offer you...

I knew it, I knew I could trust you! Look, I'll buy whatever you're selling, you just need to listen to me, because there's not a whole lot of time left.

Of course sir, if you'd just let me describe our services...

Later, look! There's no time! Last year, I put a new roof on my house, and set up a water collection system. You know, to help with the bills, and be all environmentally safe and everything. Well, I didn't know back then how determined they were to control your water. You know what I mean?

I'm not sure what you mean, sir.

Sure you do. I mean, you drink bottled water, right? Not tap water, right? Most of that stuff comes from that Alps or Norway or something, so it's pretty safe now. I mean, the Communists over there have all their systems confused, so their operations aren't operating at full speed, so most of their water is okay now, you know? But our government is stronger than ever now, right, so the stuff in our water is all high tech now. Not just the chemicals, but now they have these little robots, you know? Not that you can see, nanotechnology or something, but they still show up if you put the water under a black light. You've tried that, right? You've seen that?

Actually sir, I don't think I've ever checked my...

Well, try it, you'll see! Anyway, after I started collecting my own water, they've taken a special interest in me. They know that I'm not under their control any more, so they've been stepping up their operations in my area. There must be others in the area, because they wouldn't spend all this effort on me, but I haven't been able to contact anyone else nearby. I don't know if they're just keeping it hush-hush, keeping a low profile to avoid the kind of attention I'm getting, right? Or maybe the surveillance is scaring them into hiding. There's an awful lot of helicopters going by these days, and I'm pretty sure it's not the six o'clock news, you know what I mean?

Yes, sir, I know. I don't want to keep you, let me just tell you about our...

Yeah, just a minute. Look, since they've got me cut off, they know they can do whatever they want to me now. They've had their spy robots in my yard all summer. I mean, just last week, I caught a possum in the front yard, but its eyes were all glowing like, you see? I mean, no normal animal looks like that, so I knew that the glow must have come from its internal power source, or maybe from the broadcasting frequencies. I didn't catch it to open it up like the other ones, but I know that's what it was. I think the robot frequencies must interfere with their main transmitter a little bit, because the headaches go away some when they're around. Look, that's how they get the average citizen, they just use their pain rays on you, until they can take you away and replace you, like they did with my wife. You could tell what they did with her, anyone could, it's so obvious. Nobody just changes all of the sudden like that, you know?

Is your wife there, sir? Maybe I could speak with her...

No, no, no, don't talk like that, you know what they do to people who talk like you. When they abducted her and replaced her with the robot, you could tell immediately. Nobody talks like that, or moves like that. My wife would have never started up with that real estate guy, see, that was the giveaway. They make pretty good surveillance androids, I mean, they still look like people on the inside, but you can still tell if you look close enough. I don't know what they're going to do now that she's not broadcasting any more, but I've got to get this information out to someone before they send someone in to investigate, you know?

Oh, uh, I know, sir. Look, if you can just give me your name and address, we have a special offer...

Why do you want to know where I live? You are working for them! Look, I'll pay for the robot, I swear! Just turn off the pain ray generator! I'll drink your water, okay? I'LL DRINK YOUR DAMN WATER! JUST...

[knock on your door loudly]

Look, hang on, just wait a second. Someone's at the door.

[put down phone, go into other room, begin shouting, simulate a struggle, scream, slam things around, go quiet, walk over to the phone, hang up]

(November 04, 2003 11:32 AM)
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